Have I Been Conditioned to Leave Relationships?
What a mountain of a question huh?
It’s one I’ve been pondering lately. It came up in a podcast episode. I co-host a podcast called ‘Growing Up for Adults’ on Spotify (shameless self-promotion) when we recorded a mini-series on relationships.
We interviewed a couple that’s been together for over thirty years. That’s becoming pretty rare in this world. That’s why we wanted them to come on the podcast. We had questions. What makes for a long-lasting relationship? Can you have a relationship last forever?
My longest relationship was 7 years (I think). I had the mentality that if things go wrong, you leave. Life is too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. I’ve prided myself in having a self-image of “strong independent woman”. I was a champion of leaving. Brave enough to do it on my own.
As I reflect on past and present relationships, I can’t help but wonder if I’m the problem. Insert Taylor’s hit song here. “It’s me. I’m the problem it’s me.” Back to my point. To set the scene, I’m not dogging myself. I’m not feeling down about it. I’m coming at it from a place of curiosity. Have all my relationships ended because I’ve been conditioned to leave when the going gets rough? Maybe so.
I had no examples growing up of love lasting the test of time. I can think of one aunt and uncle who stuck it out, but I wouldn’t really consider their relationship healthy. My mom was married four times. I saw divorce and dramatic breakups very often growing up. Very often. I’m sure you’re with me when I say I don’t like to admit my childhood did actually affect me. And I especially don’t like it when it’s a surprise.
I assumed I’d grown past most of the conditioning and environmental factors set forth by my raise. But this one was a blind spot. Trust issues? Sure. Control issues? Without a doubt. But leaving relationships to “better my life”? Of course that makes me better than my family. Duh. Or, maybe not so much. Maybe I leave for the same reasons they left. They didn’t have the tools to work through it, or the faith that it could work. Maybe they didn’t have any good examples either.
Well, shit. I thought love was finding a grown-up person who could help you build a perfect life. I get into a relationship and try to help them achieve perfection. I see all the potential and I encourage them to reach it. And when that doesn’t work, I make them feel bad about it. To encourage them harder of course. And when that doesn’t work, I assume they’re weak. Or, curve ball, they’ll do the work and resent me, and I’ll lose respect for them because they were my puppet. There’s no winning. All roads lead to a dead end. Game over. Holly leaves.
The relationships I chose were healthier than most of the ones I saw growing up. So I assumed I was on the right track. Just looking for my person. But what if I’m my person? What if each relationship is just trying to teach me things? And every time I get into another one, the lessons just continue with a different skin suit?
Maybe that’s a weird way to look at it. I don’t know. But that’s where my brain is going and I’m just following the breadcrumbs here. I became a champion of leaving because everyone I saw growing up should have left these awful relationships sooner. But guess what? Their terrible partners were only half the equation. Maybe if they worked on themselves instead, the relationship would have improved. Obviously a lot more would have to go into it, like both partners doing the work and wanting it to work. But I think (hope) you get my point.
How many of those people did I see break up, only to end up in another terrible relationship? All of them. Because they didn’t fix the problem. The person they should have been focusing on was the one in the mirror.
And now I’m gazing into my own carnival mirror. And I repeat, shit.
Love is not the quest for the perfect partner. None of us are perfect. I’m not perfect, and yet I’m expecting my partner to be?! Hello! Earth to Holly!
Love is messy. It’s learning. It’s seeing the imperfections in ourselves and in our partners and saying, “Hey, want to work on ourselves together? Pretty sure I’m going to test every ounce of patience you have and you’ll test mine. Pretty sure I’ll want to kill you or leave you at some point because it’s gunna be hard. But I do love who you are as a human and there’s no one else I’d trust to hold my bag of garbage as I sort through it than you.”
THAT is love. Holding someone’s garbage as they sort through it. Not holding their trash while they hold their nose, but holding it for them to do the work. If you can both do that for one another, I have to believe you can make it last.
Now, as always, I have one sidebar. If you’re in a toxic, dangerous, or unhealthy relationship, I’m not talking to you with what I just said. If I were talking to you, I’d say leave a situation that you know is bad for you, where you’re the only one doing the work. I’d say love yourself to choose a partner who will care for your trash instead of hitting you with the bag.
Most of our partners won’t fall into the dangerous category. They’ll make mistakes. They will for sure do something to piss you off or make you wonder if it’s even worth this. That’s where you should try to focus on the good stuff they bring to the table.
I had an incident recently in my relationship that reached a peak point like this. I thought it was going to be over. And as I considered that, I was confronted with all the good things about him I’d be giving up, along with the less desirable things. I was deeply saddened by the thought of letting go of all those good things.
So I decided not to. And in a way, it’s led me down this thought highway too. You usually get there a few different ways at the same time. There’s no such thing as coincidence. It helped me evaluate my thought process and how and why I behave the way I do.
What I think I need to do, and you can try too if you’re in the same boat, is to focus on the good stuff my partner brings to the table. It’ll be impossible to do it all the time. But I want to remember we’re a team. We’re in this together. Right now, it just might be that he’s having a hard time and needs me to hold his trash bag for him, instead of walking away from it. And remember that next to that trash bag, is a mountain of really cool stuff.
Circling back to that podcast couple, (I bet you thought I forgot) they faced a lot of trials in their journey together. Things that probably would have made me tap out. Things like infidelity, fighting sobriety, learning to co-parent each other’s kids, and so much more. They could have let those things break them. But instead, they looked at the person they loved, they saw the screw-up, or the hurt, or the tough situation, and they said, “I’m going to hold that bag for you while you sort it out.” And that might actually be the greatest gift we can give a person we love.
That couple also said it takes a long time to really get to know each other. And once they got to know each other it became easier to see that the other person wasn’t trying to hurt them with their actions. They were going through their own battle, fighting their own demons. If you can zoom out, you can see it that way. (Once again, not the partners that continue to hurt you over and over. Sometimes it takes you leaving for them to learn what they need to learn).
Through the challenges, they remember why they chose each other in the first place. And they have an awareness that we’re all here to learn and grow. That’s what life’s all about. Learning and growing. They allow one another space to screw up so they can learn from it and get better.
That’s what I’m trying to learn today. To allow space for the human I love to misstep, learn from it, and ultimately grow past it. If the growing never happens and they never learn, maybe the learning was for me. But for right now, I’m trying to be a safe space in a world where we don’t have a lot of safety. Where we don’t get to mess up without being shamed and made fun of. I want to be able to say, “I have your back. You fell down. Get back up and try again.” And with that kind of encouragement, anything is possible.
I’m teaching myself what real love is. In a way that my family didn’t get to learn. I’m learning something for the future generations coming after me. And while it’s pretty fucking challenging, I think it’s worth it.
Love is not a fairy tale. And that’s okay. Love is hating the mess your partner makes, but knowing you’d take the mess over not having them. It’s feeling hurt that they lied, but also seeing that it hurt them to lie too. It’s choosing to keep trying to love your partner even when you’re feeling like being a brat. It’s forgiving the brat days because they’re also incredibly loving and kind. Love is pulling more than your share of the weight for a while because your partner is working through some stuff. It’s laughing, crying, talking. It’s knowing at the end of the day, if something hard happens, you’re not facing it alone. It’s messy and frustrating. But it’s also worth it.
At least, I think it is. :)
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Even if you don’t agree. For every argument, there’s an opposite and valid point. I’d also love it if you shared this with someone that needs to hear it. All I’m trying to do is help people through these divine downloads that come to me. Can you think of anyone having a hard time in love right now? That’s the person that needs to hear this.
If you want to hear the podcast about that couple I mentioned, check it out here:
For my favorite books, and health and wellness products, go here:
And check out the books I authored here:
How to Be Friends with Your Ex
Thanks so much for reading today. I love you and want all the best for you.
