I assumed I’d grown past most of the conditioning and environmental factors set forth by my raise. But this one was a blind spot. Trust issues? Sure. Control issues? Without a doubt. But leaving relationships to “better my life”? Of course that makes me better than my family. Duh. Or, maybe not so much. Maybe I leave for the same reasons they left. They didn’t have the tools to work through it, or the faith that it could work. Maybe they didn’t have any good examples either.

Well shit. I thought love was finding a grown-up person that could help you build a perfect life. I get in a relationship and try to help them achieve perfection. I see all the potential and I encourage them to reach it. And when that doesn’t work, I make them feel bad about it. To encourage them harder of course. And when that doesn’t work, I assume they’re weak. Or, curve ball, they’ll do the work and resent me, and I’ll lose respect for them because they were my puppet. There’s no winning. All roads lead to a dead end. Game over. Holly leaves.

The relationships I chose were healthier than most of the ones I saw growing up. So I assumed I was on the right track. Just looking for my person. But what if I’m my person? What if each relationship is just trying to teach me things? And every time I get into another one, the lessons just continue with a different skin suit?